Samantha. Julie. Kit. Melody.
No, these aren’t the names of girls on my daughter’s team. These are the names of girls who live in my basement.
Don’t worry, these girls are inanimate. I’m talking about the historical American Girl dolls my tween has collected over the years. According to the official spiel, each doll is meant to represent and celebrate today’s girls while educating them about the past.
But there is a gaping hole in my daughter’s collection. She has dolls representing pivotal eras in history, from the turn of the century to the groovy 1970s, but she doesn’t have a 1980s American Girl doll—because she doesn’t exist.
What a travesty! After all, the 1980s gave us Mr. T, Karate Kid, and Chicken McNuggets. Today’s girls need to be educated about the greatest decade ever!
Plus, if I’m being honest, I just really want to play with a 1980s American Girl doll.
I’ve taken it upon myself to flesh out all the important details, from backstory to fashion accessories, for the 1980s American Girl doll that needs to exist. It is my hope that the people at American Girl will listen to my ideas and create an 80s doll for the world (okay, me) to enjoy.
The 1980s American Girl doll is named Jennifer, of course. Her name was never really in question since every other girl in the 1980s was named Jennifer. (You know that’s either your name or the name of five people you know!)
Jennifer’s hobbies include watching MTV and listening to mix tapes on her boombox while flipping through the latest issue of Tiger Beat. After school, she helps out at her parents’ video rental store, re-shelving VHS cassettes. Jennifer is a dreamer who wants to protest nuclear power and the Cold War, but all her free time is taken up using the card catalog at the library to do research for the school reports she writes in cursive.
Stylin’ and Profilin’
Jennifer comes ready to play in a totally tubular outfit: a V-neck Forenza sweater, stirrup pants, and Jelly shoes. Additional clothing pieces include an oversized Esprit sweater, Guess jeans, and a special occasion dress from Jessica McClintock, with enough ruffles and bows to make the stars of Dynasty jealous. All outfits come with removable shoulder pads.
Jennifer has rad accessories, too, including a Swatch Watch and a Walkman. She totes a Liz Claiborne purse in which she carries a can of Aqua Net, a neon banana clip, and a bottle of Love’s Baby Soft.
Jennifer has a spiral perm (as if this was even open for discussion). Her bangs are feathered and her dark blonde hair turns orange when sprayed with a miniature bottle of Sun-In.
Big Ticket Items
All American Girl dolls come with a historically accurate bedroom furniture set and Jennifer is no exception. Her twin bed boasts a Laura Ashley comforter, shams, dust ruffle, and 17 throw pillows. Her nightstand holds a princess phone. Posters of Duran Duran and Frankie Say Relax are included for decorating her bedroom walls.
How does Jennifer get around town? On her trusty ten-speed bicycle, of course. Or you can splurge and purchase her very own remote control VW Rabbit convertible!
See? I’ve thought of all the details about the 1980s American Girl doll that needs to exist. I mean, Jennifer would be the most bodacious American Girl doll ever. Just think about all the ways she would educate today’s kids about the totally tripendicular 1980s.
And how much fun I would have playing with her. Ahem.
So who’s with me, Mommas? Whether your daughter still enjoys American Girl dolls, packed them away years ago, or has never ever played with dolls, you know you want a 1980s doll of your very own. Let’s hope American Girl is listening.
I’m waiting, like, totally.