Relationships can be a wonderful thing, but they can also be very painful. It is always much easier to see the signs of an unhealthy relationship once you get out of it. These are called red flags. Identifying red flags early on in a relationship can help prevent you from getting into a difficult and hurtful situation. The positive aspects of a relationship can make the red flags difficult to see. For that reason, we’ve put together this large list of red flags that you should look out for in relationships.
What is a Red Flag?
A red flag in dating is a warning sign that someone’s behavior or attitude could lead to an unhealthy or hurtful relationship. It’s something that makes you pause and think, “Wait, that doesn’t feel right.” Red flags can show up in small ways at first, like someone ignoring your boundaries, being overly jealous, or moving the relationship way fast. Other times, they’re more obvious, like lying, controlling behavior, or putting you down. Identifying red flags early into dating can help avoid problems in the future.
Red Flags in a Relationship
The following list includes red flags that you should look out for in a relationship. If the person you’re dating is showcasing some of these traits, then there’s a good chance it won’t be a healthy relationship.
- Gaslighting: This is when someone questions your memory, feelings, or reality is emotionally damaging and deeply unhealthy. This is often a form of manipulation and something you should avoid when dating.
- Love Bombing: Over-the-top affection and big promises very early on can feel exciting, but it may be a way to gain quick emotional control. While receiving the love can feel great at first, you really want to consider how sincere the other person is with their love.
- Explosive Anger: Frequent yelling, rage, or extreme reactions create fear instead of safety. This is a huge red flag because it could be indicative of other violent behaviors.
- Dishonesty: Repeated lying or hiding important information breaks trust, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
- Ignoring Boundaries: When someone repeatedly crosses clear limits you’ve set, it shows a lack of respect for your comfort and needs.
- Emotional Withdrawal: Using the silent treatment or shutting down during conflict prevents healthy communication and problem-solving.
- Isolation Tactics: Pulling you away from friends or family over time can make you more dependent and easier to control. People who do this want you to be dependent of them so that you do what they tell you to do.
- Public Disrespect: Putting you down, mocking you, or embarrassing you in front of others slowly damages confidence and trust. If there is ever conflict that needs to be talked through, there is always an appropriate time and place for it. This should never be done in public with the intention of embarrassing you.
- Lack of Accountability: Refusing to admit mistakes or apologize makes it impossible to resolve conflict in a healthy way.
- Walking on Eggshells: If you constantly feel anxious about upsetting them, the relationship may be driven by fear instead of security.
- Not Introducing You to Friends or Family: Avoiding introducing you to friends or keeping you separate from important parts of their life can signal they’re not fully committed.
- One-Sided Effort: If they never initiate conversations, plans, or check-ins, the relationship may lack balance and genuine interest. This is a red flag in a relationship because a good relationship needs effort from both sides. Look back and see if one side is always initiating text conversations, or saying good morning while the other does not reciprocate.
- Narcissism: An extreme focus on their own needs, image, and validation shows that they care more about themselves than they do about you. They might be hypercritical about how you make them look and not care for your feelings.
- History of Cheating: Many people say “once a cheater, always a cheater.” While this is a generalization, it is commonly believed that people who have cheated in the past are more likely to do so again. If someone is known to be a cheater, that is a big read flag.
Red Flags in Men
Once you start to get to know a guy or boyfriend, you start to get a better image of their character. Hopefully they show you that they’re a great person worthy of your love. However, they can sometimes show you that they’re not who they initially led you to believe. Here are some red flags to look out for in men.
- Commitment Avoidance: Dodging conversations about the future or keeping the relationship undefined for long periods can signal a lack of real investment. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, then this is a sign that this guy is going to waste your time.
- Double Standards: Expecting loyalty or certain behavior from you while not holding himself to the same standard shows immaturity. This hypocrisy is a strong signal that the relationship won’t last.
- Excessive Flirting with Others: Regularly seeking attention from other women, especially in front of you, reflects disrespect. This red flag indicates that they’re not serious about your relationship.
- Victim Mentality: If every ex was “crazy” and nothing was ever his fault, that pattern is worth paying attention to.
- Financial Irresponsibility: Reckless spending, constant debt, or hiding money problems can create serious long-term stress. Having good finances shows discipline and is a good sign of a healthy relationship.
- Disrespect Toward Women: Making degrading comments or jokes about women often reveals deeper issues with respect and equality. Misogyny is a huge red flag and definitely not boyfriend material.
- Control Through Intimidation: Using size, tone, or threats to scare you into agreeing is a serious red flag. Your communication style with your partner should never include intimidation.
- Emotional Immaturity: Avoiding serious conversations, shutting down during conflict, or acting childish when challenged makes growth difficult. Emotional maturity is an important part of a good relationship.
Red Flags in Women
Women can be just as toxic as men. Whether you just started dating a woman, or she is already your girlfriend, here are some traits that you should identify and avoid.
- Chronic Jealousy: Constant suspicion or monitoring can quickly turn into controlling behavior. This is a red flag that they will never trust you.
- Manipulation Tactics: Using guilt, tears, or emotional pressure to get her way creates an unhealthy dynamic.
- Attention Seeking: Needing constant outside validation, especially through flirting or social media, can signal insecurity and disrespect.
- Drama Addiction: If there is always chaos, conflict, or a new crisis, it may point to emotional instability. If they enjoy drama, there is a good chance you’ll get sucked into it.
- Control Disguised as Care: Saying “I just worry about you” while limiting your independence is still control.
- Emotional Withholding: Pulling away affection or communication as punishment creates insecurity instead of connection.
- Public Comparison: Comparing you to other men to make you feel inadequate can damage confidence and trust. You should find a partner who makes you feel confident and adequate.
- Passive Aggression: Using sarcasm, subtle digs, or indirect hostility instead of honest communication creates confusion and resentment.
Subtle Red Flags
Red flags are not always easily visible. Most of the time, they’re subtle and difficult to see at first. This is especially true among teens and young adults who have not been in many relationships before and don’t know what to look out for. Here are some subtle red flags to look out for while dating.
- Backhanded Compliments: Compliments that include a small insult can slowly chip away at confidence.
- Testing Boundaries: Pushing small limits early on to see what you will tolerate can grow into bigger violations later.
- Inconsistent Effort: Being very attentive one week and distant the next creates emotional instability.
- Future Faking: Talking about big future plans without real follow-through can be a way to keep you invested without commitment.
- Minimizing Feelings: Saying you are “too sensitive” or “overreacting” instead of listening shows a lack of emotional maturity.
- Keeping Score: Tracking who did what in the relationship instead of working as a team can create quiet resentment over time.
Signs of a Healthy Relationship
A healthy relationship should feel safe, steady, and supportive. You can be yourself without worrying about being judged or put down. Both people listen to each other, respect boundaries, and take responsibility when they mess up. Relationships can be difficult among teenagers in high school. As they enter their first relationships, they may not know what a healthy relationship should feel like. In high school there is a lot of pressure to start dating, especially with school dances like homecoming and prom where you’re encouraged to take a date. It is important for teens to get a good understanding of how they should treat others, and how they are deserving of respect.