My wife and I decided it was time to practice what we preach. We’d had the sex discussion—okay, monologue—with our teenagers, where one of us spoke, while the teenager tried to run away.
We were about to leave home to drop off our two freshmen (son and daughter) at college. At the last minute, I quickly raced over to CVS to get them each a box of condoms. We have tried to emphasize safety and good decision-making. This purchase showed them we meant it.
As we drove away, I described my errand and explained the delay to the captive kids in the backseat. They politely asked me, okay, begged me, to stop. Of course their reaction demanded that I continue.
Reflections of a Condom-Buying Father
It’s been a long time since I’d needed to buy condoms, and things seem to have changed. For one thing, I’m not nearly as uncomfortable buying them (I’m still working on feminine products). That person behind the register, with the disapproving look, is gone. He’s been replaced by some kid who is impressed that an old guy might still be getting some action.
But, the biggest change was the overwhelming variety. The small, hidden area with two or three choices is now six shelves with a colorful array of options. I immediately eliminated the “party boxes” with 24 – 32 condoms. I want to encourage safety, not too much fun. Besides, if they need to buy that many, let them roll it into a student loan like everyone else. (I think at this point I heard gagging from the back seat.)
The cheapest ones were also easy to eliminate. My philosophy on condoms is similar to that on parachutes. I really, really want to make sure it will work; I’m not looking for a bargain.
There were several boxes called Magnums, designed for the larger male. I felt uncomfortable judging the size of my son, or my daughter’s potential partners, so I passed on these as well. I was, however, somewhat curious about what size, exactly, might require a magnum. But I resisted the urge to peek.
At this point, cries of, “Please stop!” came from the rear of the car.
Apparently, they now have lubricants specifically designed to enhance female pleasure. They might have had these 30 years ago as well, but as a young man with raging hormones, it didn’t seem particularly important at the time. But since I was in the line of promoting sex and condom safety, I decided that they were in charge of their own enhancement.
I believe this is where my son and daughter were singing and stomping to try to drown out my voice.
I finally settled on a mid-priced box of 12. It was ribbed and ultra-thin for maximum sensation and natural feel (didn’t care about that), but it did come with a spermicidal lubricant (which I thought was worth it).
As we continued the drive to college, things seemed to settle down. The chuckles from my wife in the passenger seat subsided. The kids in the back stopped squirming and, luckily, the automatic door locks prevented them from jumping out of a moving car at 65 miles per hour.
But, in the end, I think my message was clear: I love you, and I want you to be safe.
