“The days are long, but the years are short.”-Gretchen Rubin
When we become parents, we are entrusted with a delicate, precious life wrapped in a soft, warm blanket—yet no instruction manual comes with it. There are no step-by-step guidelines, only the advice of others. We learn how to feed them, how to help them sleep through the night. We teach them numbers and colors, hold their hand as they cross the street, introduce them to sports and activities, and protect them from strangers. We follow the endless stream of safety advice, doing our best to shield them from harm.
As the years pass, we witness them grow, shaping their own unique personalities. We see them absorb the lessons we teach and the behaviors we model. They make mistakes and take risks—just as we do as parents. Sometimes, we overreact or raise our voices. Other times, we may not respond enough or hover too closely. Parenthood is a learning process for all of us.
As our children grow, each developmental stage brings its own set of highs and lows. The teenage years, particularly between ages 15 and 18, can be an especially emotional time for parents. This stage often presents a challenging mix of struggles—communication breakdowns, growing independence, and intense emotional ups and downs—that can deeply impact a parent’s mental well-being and their relationship with their child.
So, what happens when you feel like you’ve done everything “right,” yet things still go wrong? Does that make you a bad parent? Does it mean your teen is on a doomed path? That things will never improve?
The answer is no. You are not alone. You are not a bad parent. Your teen’s future is not set in stone. There are people who can help, steps you can take, and most importantly—there is hope.
With over 20 years of experience as a school counselor, educator, private practice clinician and parent to two teenagers, I have supported countless teens and families through difficult challenges. I have guided many through incredibly tough circumstances, helping them find strength and success. Through it all, two constants remain—hope and love. Hope for the future and love for the family.
Understanding Teenage Emotions:
The frontal cortex, which is responsible for planning, prioritizing, making sound decisions, and understanding long-term consequences, doesn’t fully mature until about age 25. During the teenage years, the connection between emotions and decision-making is still developing, which is why teens often say, “I wasn’t thinking” after making poor choices. This developmental delay is a key reason why there is concern about expecting teens to make major life decisions—such as choosing a college or career—before their brains are fully developed.
Additionally, the teenage brain responds differently to stress than adults. Without recognizing their triggers and learning effective ways to cope with stress, teens are at a higher risk for mental health issues like anxiety and depression.
Sleep deprivation is another common issue for teens. Due to higher melatonin levels in the evening, they tend to stay up later, and those levels drop in the morning, making it harder for them to wake up early. This isn’t just a case of them not wanting to get up for school—it’s a metabolic challenge. Research is being conducted on the benefits of later school start times to accommodate this natural sleep cycle. Lack of sleep negatively affects their emotional regulation, focus, and academic performance.
Teens are not only coping with the hormonal fluctuations of estrogen and testosterone and the physical changes that come with it, but they are also under immense pressure to form their identity, manage academic challenges, and navigate relationships. During this time, they experiment with their values, morals, sexuality, and beliefs. While influenced by the values we instill in them at home, they are also shaped by social media and the world around them. They are trying to make sense of a complex and often overwhelming world.
Client Story: “I wasn’t thinking.”
(Names and some details redacted for confidentiality)
It was just after dinner when there was a knock at the door. Jeremy answered to find two police
detectives, who asked if he was Asher’s guardian. Jeremy’s wife, Amy, and their son Asher
soon joined the conversation. The detectives explained they were from the county police’s
special victims unit and were investigating a tip about Asher allegedly posting an inappropriate
photo of his girlfriend online. They mentioned they had already visited the girlfriend’s home and
were waiting to hear if the family planned to press charges.
Jeremy and Amy later confided that much of the conversation felt like a blur. They couldn’t
understand what was happening. Their son? What did he do? Charges? How? Why? It all
seemed unreal. Just a few months ago, they had talked to Asher about not keeping
inappropriate photos on his phone. They had discussed the birds and the bees, and the
potential pitfalls of social media. They thought they had covered all the bases. How could this be happening? Asher was loved, a good kid, a great student, kind, and respectful. Jeremy and Amy couldn’t make sense of what went wrong. How had they failed him? What could they have done differently to prevent this?
Our work together focused on helping them stay calm and avoid blaming themselves for their
son’s mistake. They needed to approach him with empathy rather than punishment, creating a safe space for him to share his feelings and the reasons behind his actions. It was important for them to remind Asher that he was loved and supported, and that this mistake didn’t define his worth. They also sought therapy support to help him navigate rebuilding trust and to develop a
plan for establishing values and expectations moving forward.
The Communication Struggle:
This stage of development marks a significant shift in the parent-teen dynamic, often aligning with the moment they receive their car keys. Around age 16, as teens begin driving, their independence expands dramatically. Up until now, they have spent much of their time in their parents’ company, relying on them for transportation to and from activities. With this newfound freedom, their world broadens, and the family dynamic naturally shifts. Time spent together in the car decreases, along with opportunities for conversation and connection. By this stage, many parents have already noticed that teens spend a great deal of time in their bedrooms, making every moment of connection even more valuable.
When opportunities arise to connect with our teens, communication challenges quickly become apparent. Often, we catch them early in the morning when they’re half-awake or later in the evening when they’re exhausted, grumpy, and hungry. In these moments, our attempts to engage and ask about their day are often met with one-word answers—frustrating, isn’t it?
This is where active listening becomes essential. When our teens are ready to talk, we must be fully present and engaged. When they sense that we are truly listening and giving them our full attention, they are more likely to open up and come to us again in the future. Active listening communicates that we genuinely care about what they have to say.
To practice active listening, put your phone down and focus entirely on them. Maintain eye contact, be positive and open-minded, and allow them to speak without interruption. Use small gestures like nodding to show you are engaged, and resist the urge to judge or immediately offer solutions. Instead, ask if they want advice or if they just need someone to listen. This is crucial—unsolicited advice can make teens defensive and shift the conversation in an unproductive direction. Many teens express frustration that parents jump to “fixing” problems when, often, they just want to vent and feel heard.
Selecting the right moment to talk to your teen is a crucial part of effective communication. Teens need to be emotionally ready, especially for sensitive discussions. If they are tired, distracted, upset, or engaged in another activity, the conversation may be far less effective. Waiting until they are calm and emotionally available can lead to a more meaningful and productive discussion.
Engaging in activities your teen enjoys can create opportunities for meaningful conversations. Whether it’s watching a Netflix show together, attending a concert, reading the same book, trying a new restaurant, taking an exercise class, or going to a sports game, showing genuine interest in their passions helps strengthen your connection and keeps communication open.
Client Story: When Things Go Wrong and You Don’t Feel Great:
(Names and some details redacted for confidentiality)
A couple arrived at my office with their 16-year-old daughter, Jenna, after she was confronted by the police for shoplifting a few items from a local Target. This wasn’t her first incident—she had been caught before, but the store only reports theft to the police after multiple offenses or once the stolen merchandise reaches a certain value.
Jenna’s parents were mortified. They couldn’t understand why she would do this. As a middle-income family, they ensured Jenna had everything she needed and wanted. She was a good kid, and as far as they knew, she had never engaged in this kind of behavior before. Overwhelmed with confusion and shame, her parents blamed themselves for her lapse in judgment.
Jenna, on the other hand, was remorseful and embarrassed. Her mother, in particular, was focused on Jenna’s explanation—she had stolen because she didn’t want her mother noticing her purchases. Jenna’s mother monitored her bank account, and Jenna, who had a habit of impulsive spending, didn’t want to explain where her money was going. To encourage financial responsibility, her mother required her to save half of each paycheck, allowing her to spend the rest as she pleased. However, Jenna’s discomfort with this oversight had played a role in her decision to steal.
As parents, you strive to teach your child financial responsibility—so how could that possibly lead to poor decision-making? It feels counterintuitive, doesn’t it? These are the thoughts that race through your mind in moments like this. How can solid parenting still result in unexpected choices?
Raising a teenager is both challenging and, at times, completely bewildering. Just as adolescence is a time of uncertainty for teens, it can be just as confusing for parents. How do we guide and support our teens in making good choices when they are naturally wired to push boundaries, take risks, and challenge authority?
As they grow older, protecting them—from themselves—becomes increasingly difficult. We can no longer fix everything with a hug, a bandage, or a little “mommy magic.” Instead, we have to step back and allow natural consequences to unfold, watching as they learn some lessons the hard way. And that, perhaps, is one of the toughest parts of parenting—knowing from experience what lies ahead, yet having to let them figure it out for themselves.
Managing Parental Emotions:
Watching your teen pull away as they grow older and seek independence can be both heartbreaking and unsettling. It can feel like endless stretches of rejection, defiance, and attitude from the very person who once craved your approval, attention, and affection. You may feel like you’re losing their trust and love, and those emotions are real—and difficult to navigate as a parent. It’s important to acknowledge and validate your feelings while reminding yourself that this phase will pass. In time, your connection with your child can be rebuilt—perhaps even stronger than before.
While navigating this time, it is important to establish clear boundaries, maintain consistent communication, foster a safe space for open dialogue and ensure that you are maintaining self care and managing frustration. Establishing clear boundaries, rules, and consequences provides structure when challenging behaviors arise. Encouraging your teen to recognize their resilience and ability to make positive changes when things go wrong fosters a more constructive approach, even in moments of frustration and anger.
Prioritizing your self-care through exercise, journaling, and peer support is essential for maintaining mental well-being. Connecting with other parents and sharing similar experiences can provide reassurance and remind you that you’re not alone. Don’t be afraid to open up about challenges—there is strength in vulnerability. Writing down your experiences allows you to reflect on your journey and celebrate your progress. Incorporating even a few minutes of exercise or meditation each day can help clear your mind, restore balance, and create a sense of calm.
There is light at the end of the tunnel:
The teenage years aren’t all intimidating; they also come with moments of laughter, joy, and playfulness. There are milestones, happy tears, and significant growth. This time fosters development for both teens and parents. As teens take on more responsibility, they gain a greater sense of accomplishment and independence. Through risk-taking and the natural consequences that follow, they learn responsibility and develop appreciation.
When my daughter moved into her dorm and we had more space and time apart, I noticed a significant shift in our relationship. Over the course of six months, I saw so much growth in her. She became more thoughtful, took things more seriously, and showed greater appreciation. It was everything I had hoped and waited for—it just took a little time, hope, and love.