Dear Your Teen:
Our family has been a very active outdoorsy family over the years and both our kids have been gung-ho about it, but this year our 12-year-old daughter suddenly screeched to a halt. She no longer wants to be involved in anything with the rest of the family—she would rather hide away in her room. She used to be the first one off the high dive and now she doesn’t even want to go swimming. What happened?
I have asked about doing family things that she wants to do and her reply is basically, “I don’t know” or “Nothing.” I miss spending time with my daughter, and I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to be with family. We realize that she may be entering a teen phase, but does anyone know how to navigate it and is there another side? Our son, who is two years older, never went through this, so it is baffling. Thank you!
Why Doesn’t My Daughter Want to Spend Time With Me?
EXPERT | Dr. Wendy Moyal
It’s a common experience for young teens to withdraw from activities they used to enjoy. While this is often part of normal development, it’s also important to make sure nothing deeper is going on with your daughter.
Start by having a conversation about how she’s been feeling. Many parents find that tweens and teens open up during car rides, bedtime chats, or while watching TV—low-pressure moments that don’t feel like a formal talk. Ask gentle questions about her mood, friendships, and worries.
If your instincts tell you something’s wrong and she won’t open up to you, reach out to a trusted adult—another family member, coach, or school counselor. You’re looking for signs that she may be facing anxiety, depression, or other emotional challenges.
Other signs to watch for include:
- Noticeable mood changes
- Withdrawal from friends
- Changes in appetite, sleep, or energy
- Struggling in school
- Loss of interest in activities she used to love
If you’ve ruled out those concerns, take a deep breath. What you’re seeing is likely a normal (though painful) part of her growing independence. And yes—even in the same household—siblings can go through very different developmental phases.
How to Encourage Your Teen to Spend Time with the Family
Tip #1: Give Advance Notice
To increase participation, include your daughter in planning ahead of time. For example:
“We’re going on a hike next weekend—what day and time works best for you?”
Teens begin to make their own plans and may need more notice than they used to. By giving her a say, you’re showing respect—and increasing the chance that she’ll want to join in.
Tip #2: Set Clear Expectations for What’s Optional and What’s Not
Some events should be non-negotiable—but others can be optional. Communicate that clearly and respectfully.
Examples:
“We’re going to Grandma’s on Sunday, and we need you to come.”
“Your brother’s school play isn’t your favorite, but attending is part of supporting the family.”
“My college roommate is visiting this weekend. She’d love to see you, but it’s your choice.”
You can also explain:
“We understand you want more independence, and we’ll give you space when we can. But we’ll also let you know when it’s important for you to show up.”
This helps her feel heard while maintaining family expectations.
Tip #3: Follow Her Lead on Activities She Enjoys
Try not to push activities you’ve always done together if she’s no longer interested. Instead, find new ways to connect.
It might be a shared TV show, baking together, taking the dog for a walk, or doing a DIY project. Look for moments that don’t feel forced—and avoid turning everything into a “family bonding” event. You’ll create more opportunities for real connection when it’s on her terms.
Frequently Asked Questions: When Your Daughter Doesn’t Want to Spend Time With You
What should I do if my 12-year-old daughter doesn’t want to spend time with me?
Start by checking in gently about how she’s feeling. If nothing major is going on, continue to show up in small ways. Give her space—but don’t disappear.
Should I force my teenager to spend time with the family?
Some events should be required—others can be optional. Let your teen know which are which. Involving them in planning can reduce resistance.
Why doesn’t my daughter want to be around me anymore?
This is often a normal part of development. Many 12- and 13-year-old daughters start pulling away to explore independence. It’s not personal—even though it feels that way.
What if my child says they “don’t want to do anything”?
Keep the pressure low. Invite her to join you in small, easy moments: watching a show, getting a snack, going for a short walk. Let connection happen casually.
Is it normal that my daughter never wants to be home?
Some kids are highly social or need a break from family dynamics. This tends to be the age at which our kids start to prefer peers to family, and while it can be frustrating, it’s also normal. Make home a space where she feels safe and accepted—and keep communication open.
Keep Showing Up
What I see most often in young teens is that they behave as though they want less attention from their parents. But I advise parents to still be around as much as possible—just at a respectful distance. Even when your child says, “I don’t want to spend time with you,” they still need you to be there, quietly present and emotionally available.
This phase can feel like rejection—but try to remember, it’s often a step toward independence, not away from love.
