Triple Points addresses three perspectives on one topic: the step-dad, the step-mom, the teen and the professional. We also include tips on how to start a conversation about the topic with your teen. This article is addressing the topic of blended families.

Step-Dad

We’ve been at this thing called “Blended Family” for over five years, and I can safely say that it’s been both a challenge and surprise for all parties involved.

The dynamic really began when my girlfriend (and future wife) asked me to pitch in two nights a week to watch John*, then 9, and Carla*, then 6, while she completed her degree at Ursuline College. “When I’m not here, David is in charge,” she would say, and I took that seriously. I automatically turned on the Dad-as-Protector-and-Rearer mindset, and I dreamed of the day that these great, fun, welcoming children might call me Dad.

Well, “Dad,” as I’ve learned, is an earned title.

The real work began when we moved in together and uprooted the kids from Mayfield to Broadview Heights. That’s when it got real for the oldest, who, as it turns out, thought his family would always just be his mom, his sister and him. A new neighborhood, a whirlwind of remodeling, different rules and a new baby sister changed his assumption, but as the kids adjusted, I did not necessarily change with them.

Where it may have been okay to play the authoritarian while they were young, this approach proved damaging to my relationship with my oldest, in particular. It took me too long to wake up and pull back on the brand of coaching, criticism and encouragement that I learned from my father. Turns out, his way did little more than mislead and disengage my step-son. It failed us both miserably.

This came to a head, literally, when I tossed a large plastic cup at John to stir him from his incessant bickering. I underhand tossed it toward his belly to catch his attention, something I remember my Dad doing from time to time. My step-son’s response was to pick up the cup, and in a burst of anger, whip it toward me as a fast pitch.

The cup bounced off the wall and split my wife’s forehead open in an instant. There was blood, tears, screams and more tears. At this point, I had failed our blended family by letting my will to steer my step-son overpower my genuine interest in growing healthy ties between us.

We’d hit ground zero, but we started looking for ways to pick up the pieces.

We began with individual and group counseling, which gave us a better understanding of each other’s frustrations. John and I quickly realized that we didn’t want to fight, and we didn’t want to break his mother’s heart: we could agree to that. So, we loosely agreed to start cutting each other some slack. The trouble is that picking up the pieces is easier said than done. We both work at it, everyday.

John has grown up a lot this year. He took on a full-time summer job at a nearby golf course, built a stronger social network and learned that I am not simply “out to get him.” To better manage his ADD, he’s recently started exercising, practicing good nutrition and stepping up his hygiene with Buddhist-like regularity. We’ve seen a real change in him.

As with any family, we still have work to do. My wife still gets caught in the middle. Our bickering can drive her crazy, but she is trying to understand that it is our way of navigating toward an understanding of each other. I remain convinced that John is a good candidate for law, as he loves the art of debate.

Two things that have helped my family grow: we are quick to confront our issues and we are quick to apologize. This approach can be intense, but we quickly move on. For John, these immediate confrontations are a nuisance, but it helps everyone communicate.

Now, it’s the season of college visits, ACTs, applications and fighting over the car. Life marches on. Our four-year-old keeps us on our toes, and our 13-year-old daughter has found the meaning of pure teen. But, we wouldn’t have it any other way in our blended, not broken, family.

*Names have been changed.

Return to top

Step-mom

When my husband and I first married, it never occurred to me that his then 14-year-old daughter might join us in our new home. At the time, she was very close with her mom and inseparable from her tight group of friends on the other side of town. I should have known that things could change and regret never having the “what if” conversation with my husband before we married.

Things did change. After witnessing several violent arguments between my stepdaughter and her mother, my husband decided it was in her best interest to live with us. I fought him on this. It was not part of my honeymoon plans, and I did not feel ready to become a full-time parent of a teenager. I had no children of my own, nor did I intend to have any in the near future. My plate seemed full with a new job, a new husband and a new house. I hadn’t adjusted to any of these changes yet and felt unready to figure out another role.

My husband did not understand my resistance. He pointed out that I spent time mentoring kids, volunteering with neighborhood kids and even spoke of someday adopting an older child. He saw me as a good, caring person, capable of being a great role model for his child. And then, he began to wonder why I was so against this. Didn’t I love him enough to make this temporary sacrifice?

I didn’t really have any answers for him. I was embarrassed by my negative feelings and apparent selfishness, and I began to question my feelings toward my husband. Did I not love him enough to take this on or did I just not want to share his attention?

I ended up accepting the situation, on a few conditions. First and foremost, counseling: for myself, for us as a couple and for the three of us together. If we were going to do this, we needed help from the very beginning. Second, we needed ground rules. To help me feel some sense of control, I wrote a household rulebook for the three us to review and sign. This included basic rules of behavior, like being respectful of one another, but also rules, like curfews, homework and chores. Creating the book was therapeutic, but the book also set the tone that we would no longer be the fun, “weekend” parents we used to be. We were now the disciplinarians, the providers and the enforcers.

The rulebook succeeded in some ways, but not others. I was able to set the rules, but not enforce them. That was my husband’s job. He struggled with this new role and became frustrated with the resistance from his daughter. However, it did open his eyes to what a huge undertaking this was. We bonded together in the struggle and savored the rare moments when the three of us felt like a family.

My relationship with my step-daughter is challenging. We don’t fight, but we’re not exactly close either. I struggle to find things in common with her, so I simply try to be an adult she can come to when she needs to talk to someone besides a parent. I try to be a good role model by not lecturing her and by leading by example. I strive to show her kindness, interest and warmth. Right now, I don’t get much more in return than dirty looks, snide comments and an occasional mumbled thank you if I drop her off at the mall to meet a friend. But, I’m hoping this will change as she gets older. I try to be sympathetic to her situation.

My husband reminds me that his daughter was once a sweet, smiling baby who adored him. He spent weekends in his early twenties changing her diapers and carrying her around on his back on hikes through the woods. He thinks of these moments when she says mean things or rebels against him. As a step-parent, I don’t have these memories to fall back on. I don’t have that unconditional love that gets you through raising a teen. My husband is realizing this and becoming more understanding of my position. I’ve realized that his daughter, a part of his life long before me, is now part of our life together.

Return to top

Teen

Many families in America are blended; my family is one of them. I have both a step-mom and a step-dad.

I have found that there are more advantages than disadvantages. Being in a blended family means that there are more people to love me and for me to love. I have no problems with my step-parents. I was blessed with a good set. They love me as their own, and so I feel comfortable around them, which is very important to me because if I didn’t, how could I accept them into my life? Whenever I’m frustrated, I can get more than one opinion that I trust on the issue.

I love all of them so much that the biggest disadvantage is finding time to see all of them with my school, work and other activities. When you live in a blended family, you have to treat everyone equally, in my opinion, and working everyone in gets tough. Holidays are the toughest. When I was little, I always wanted my family to be together. I wanted my dad and my mom there, together, when I opened my presents or went on an Easter Egg hunt. I soon found the advantage to separate holidays though, like double the presents, two Easter baskets and two neighborhoods for trick-or-treating.

It was hard to cope when one of my parents moved from my hometown to another city. It’s not always easy to just drop everything for a weekend and go to another city, especially when I couldn’t drive or had other plans. But, I’ve made so many new friends because of it, and so now the distance feels like a big advantage.

Basically, being a part of a blended family comes with advantages and disadvantages. You just need to look at the bright side and work to overcome the little obstacles, like everything in life.

Return to top

Professional

Dr. Lisa Damour, Clinical psychologist in private practice and the Co-Director of the Center for Research on Girls at Laurel School.

Dr. Lisa Damour

After a divorce, parents and children worry that there will never be a “happily ever after.” Parents who do find new partners often discover that their children and step-children do not enthusiastically respond to their second chance at love. In fact, everyone involved— the parent, step-parent, and child—usually view remarriage from unique, and not always compatible, positions.

Some formerly single parents are thrilled about another adult helping to raise children; others feel that they should not ask their new spouses to take on any parenting duties. Some new step-parents are eager to pitch in and feel hurt if denied the opportunity; others, like the step-mom in this article, resist the invitation to take on a parental role. Children feel mixed about step-parents, at best. Most want their parents to have a “happily ever after;” yet step-parents, like David, often run into trouble when they act as a parental figure.

Why do step-children tend to resist the authority of their step-parents? The reasons can depend upon the child’s age. Normally, developing teenagers strive for autonomy above all, even by refusing to do something that they intended to do simply because a parent asks them to do it. Both step-parents and parents may find that teenagers meet their requests with increasing resistance.

Additionally, many teenagers harbor subtler reasons for bristling when their step-parents act as parents. As Sam notes, divorce can divide children’s loyalties. A child may feel guilty over enjoying a holiday with one parent while leaving the other parent out, even if the holiday schedule is entirely out of the child’s hands. Children who accept the authority of a step-parent may fear that they are letting another adult “take Dad’s/Mom’s place” when that parent isn’t present to do the job. Feeling fond of the step-parent can exacerbate this problem, especially for younger children who worry that there may not be enough love to go around. Further, many children of divorce continue to wish for their parents to remarry, even holding on to that hope years after the most bitter break-ups. For these children, accepting the authority of a step-parent can feel like giving up on the wish for a  happy ending.

So, what can adults do to ease the blending of a family? In general, psychologists recommend that step-parents act in the role of a “warm and trustworthy aunt or uncle.” In other words, a stepparent should act to the degree that another non-parental adult would. Beyond that, step-parents should defer to their children’s parents and seek to build a relationship with their step-children by being a kind and supportive presence. Many step-parents find that over time they can comfortably move beyond the “aunt or uncle” role to a more parental role, but only after first developing strong, loving relationships with their step-children. In addition, step-parents can provide excellent, and often much needed, support to their spouses’ parenting efforts. Helping a spouse debrief about tough parenting choices at the end of the day goes a long way toward supporting a formerly single parent.

Divorced parents should work to minimize their children’s conflicts of loyalty. Whenever possible, parents can let their children know that they like and respect their ex-partner and that they like and respect their ex-partner’s spouse. Parents should give their child explicit permission to admire and enjoy all of the adults who care for the child.

Finally, adults need to know that remarrying is just the beginning of becoming a blended family. Given the diverse and intense feelings that children and parents bring to remarriage, adults should give themselves and their children ample time to settle into their new relationships. When needed, parents should seek the help of a supportive counselor to serve as a neutral party. In the world of divorce, happy endings often come at the end of a long and bumpy road.

Return to top

Start the Conversation

When your step-child answers you with “You’re not my parent,” what do you say?

Scenario #1:

STEP-PARENT: “Can you clean up your room?”
TEEN: “No, and you can’t make me because you are not my real parent.”
STEP-PARENT: “That’s true, but we’re all members of this household and we each need to do our part to keep the house in order.”

Scenario #2:

STEP-PARENT: “Be nice to your sister.”
TEEN: “No, and you can’t make me because you are not my real parent.”
STEP-PARENT: “I’m not your parent, but I do care about you and your sister.  I don’t want to see her feelings get hurt, and I don’t want to see you acting in a way I know you don’t feel good about.”

Scenario #3:

STEP-PARENT: “I saw that you were speeding down the street. Please drive slower and with more caution.”
TEEN: “Seriously, you’re not my parent.”
STEP-PARENT: “Yes, it’s true I’m not your parent, but I am an adult and I am not doing my job as an adult if I stand by and allow you to hurt yourself or someone else.”

Return to top

Other featured stories:

Chef Zane Holmquist - Peas & Carrots Mac 'n C...

Mom's Struggle with Adopted Teen & Profession...

Hookahs: What's Your Opinion?

Should Tweens Have Facebook Accounts?