Read it at The Toledo Free Press

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I remember my therapist telling me that for most individuals it takes 5-8 tries before successfully leaving an abusive relationship – that was about right. Every time I’d decide to do it a friend would talk me out of it – “You’re good for him, you make him happy.” I liked hearing those things; I liked thinking that being with me was good for him. Other times I’d talk myself out of it, or as soon as I heard his voice, I choked. Suddenly everything seemed fine and dandy and I had just blown things out of proportion, as usual. Most stories tell about a wonderful guy who was charming, sweet and caring and it isn’t until later that he became abusive. I don’t have that consolation. I was smacked across the face the first night I ever hung out with him.

No one likes talking about what happens afterwards. Everyone agrees that being in an abusive relationship is bad, but once you’re out of the relationship everything is fine, right? No one wants to talk about how depressed they were, about how they started drinking heavily – to hide from the pain, to black out and have the joy of remembering nothing – the closest thing to death without dying. No one talks about how much they hate themselves for getting in the relationship in the first place, or how low of a self-esteem they’ve developed from being with someone who treated them like dirt every day. No one talks about how emotionally detached they become, about how scared they are to ever love again. These things can be as ugly and horrible as being hit.

I hate that there were times were I was glad I was hit, because at least that meant he knew I was there. I hate that I was back-handed across the face at a crowded party and no one said anything to me or him. I hate that when I told my parents, their first reaction was to tell me to take a semester off and transfer schools. I hate going home and being looked at like I’m some lost and broken lamb. I hate the nightmares and not being able to sleep. I hate that I only feel safe when I’m wrapped up in my brother’s hoodie. I hate that I loved him and all this happened because I loved him. I hate that he has an abusive alcoholic father who he blamed for the way he was. I hate that he manipulated me to the point that I thought I deserved to be hit, that I always felt that I was the one who had done something wrong and needed to apologize.

I’ve been conditioned to be silent. I’ve been conditioned to believe that when I speak I will be ignored, ridiculed, threatened or hit. I’m so tired of being silent. I’m tired of living with these memories. I’m tired of having to explain myself to people. No I can’t walk back that way because I’ll see him there. No I can’t go to the party because he’ll be there. I’m tired of people asking why? I’m tired of saying nothing, of lying and tip-toeing around it. I’m tired of being ashamed of something that wasn’t my fault. I’m tired of acting like it didn’t happen, that it didn’t matter, like it’s no big deal. It did happen. It was horrible.

I wrote this because I don’t want what happened to me to ever happen to anyone, ever. No one deserves to be treated this way and so I tell my story even though I’m still scared and depressed at times. I tell my story with the hope that it will help others, that although it’s not much, that it will be enough to free someone else.

Mary Jennings is a senior at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio.

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While headlines often scream the tragic consequences when teenagers decide to drive while under the influence of alcohol, we don’t often hear about what happens when teenagers get behind the wheel under the influence of marijuana.

But, say experts, it can be just as dangerous. In fact, according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, driving under the influence of marijuana doubles the risk of being in an accident. And that’s just for “real” marijuana. Synthetic marijuana can be up to 100 times more potent, further exacerbating the risk of getting into an accident.

“Marijuana causes slowed reflexes, impaired short term memory, distorted distance perception, and delayed reaction time,” sums up Heather Sutton, project director at the Metropolitan Drug Commission in Knoxville, Tenn.

Other effects include a strong euphoric feeling, which impacts a teenager’s ability to pay attention and also clouds judgment.

That leads not only to slower reaction times behind the wheel, but other dangerous choices. “People who drive under the influence of marijuana tend to follow the cars ahead of them too closely, and have trouble staying in their lane,” notes John Perch, a driving safety specialist with DMV.com.

Meanwhile, like alcohol, drugged driving carries sanctions that include heavy fines, jail time, and license suspension.

Still, teenagers are not getting the message when it comes to driving under the influence of marijuana. A recent study conducted by Liberty Mutual and Students Against Drunk Driving found that almost 20 percent of high school students admit to driving while under the influence of marijuana, while more than 45 percent report getting into a car with a driver that was using the drug.

Sutton and other experts recommend parents add marijuana to the conversation about driving under the influence. Here’s how to get started:

1. Explain the concerns. Talk to your teen about the risks associated with marijuana and driving. Educate you teen about prevalence of synthetic marijuana and its affects.
2. Establish expectations. Discuss the consequences if your teenager chooses to drive under the influence—and add it to your teenager’s driving contract. Driving under the influence of marijuana or any other substance should be met with zero tolerance.
3. Show your teen what can happen. “Talk to your teen when news reports come out of tragic accidents that happen from driving under the influence,” advises Sue Scheff, author of Wit’s End: Advice and Resources for Saving Your Out-of-Control Teen. “Kids hear us better when they are shown real life incidents. This could be them.”

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Well, now that the college kids are home things are a mess.

I understand. They have spent the rest of the year on their own, making their own decisions without having to answer to anyone else. We were all like that too. It’s just that things are a little challenging when everyone’s back under one roof.

After having singles at college, no one wants to share a room, so my 12-year-old has been kicked out of his room and has to sleep in the guest room.

Cars are a problem. What with jobs, school, yoga, shopping, friends, etc. my wife and I will probably just have to use bicycles. (Thank goodness it’s summer!)

Dinner is a problem. Assuming there is the remote possibility of all of us being around at the same time, we will need to open a full service restaurant. After the choices of a cafeteria, the idea of everyone eating the same meal is absurd.

Questions are a problem. They seem to have forgotten, while being so independent at school, that we are still entitled to ask questions about their lives. And, god forbid, we might even have opinions.

Intelligence is a problem. We seem to have become stupider, and are the butt of many jokes, and much teasing. Luckily, we know how to tease right back. Besides, we just have to hang on. Rumor has it that we will regain some of our wisdom as they get older. TVs are a problem. It’s much harder to find a TV that’s open and available to me!

Dishes are a problem. There are an inordinate amount of dishes and glasses piling up in the kitchen, which no one seems to be able to clean up. (OK, that one doesn’t really affect me that much – I’m kind of a contributor).

BUT…. at night, when we go to bed, and ALL of my kids are home, it’s really great!!

A full house – not a problem.

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Read it at Psychology Today and Your Teen for Parents

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Question: Now that we have entered a whole new stage of teenagedom and technology, I need some help. What rules should we have in place for the use of iTouches and iPads? I want some control without seeming like I am controlling. So how should I limit Facetime and texting? Should I restrict usage during the day or night? Should I limit the places they can use their devices? Can I limit who they add to their contact list? And what are appropriate consequences for broken rules? Signed, Mommy Trying Desperately NOT to Lose Her Mind or Constantly Fight With Her Children.

Answer: Don’t lose your mind! We can parent kids with kindness and clarity in this highly digital age. Teens are often early adopters of new technology, certainly earlier than most of us parents. Since that is the case, they need rules about technology. Answer these questions for your family and then go over them together.

1. Where do you want tech-free zones? The dinner table is a great tech-free zone; perhaps bedrooms are another. Maybe you don’t want cell phones to be used in the family car so you can have a more chances for conversation with your teen, and to get your future teenage driver in the habit of leaving the cell phone in the trunk.
2. When do you want time without screens? Family time, or when you go to your house of worship together, or while homework is getting done are good options. If you have a child who would spend every waking moment in a screen, you might want to establish time limits so they can get some balance. Be sure to set sleeping hours as no-technology times, especially for younger teens. Portable devices should be plugged in and charging in a parent’s bedroom each night.
3. What content is unacceptable? In keeping with your family’s values, are there sites or games that you want your family to avoid entirely?
4. Who can your teen contact? Are they allowed to “friend” people they’ve never met in person? Friends of friends? Friends of family?
5. Keep a “Password Pad.” This can be an actual pad of paper or an Internet password keeper site. Let your child know that every account they have must be listed and the passwords kept up to date.
6. What are your expectations? Since we can’t think of everything, remind kids of the basic character traits you expect when they are using technology. Go back to your family’s values; you might mention honesty, inclusion, caution, kindness, or other traits.
7. Self-monitoring leads to more autonomy. They (not just you) are responsible for their own safety. If they see something or talk to someone that seems “off” they can earn your trust by telling you about it. The more you know you can trust your teen online, the less you will need to check up on them.
8. What are the consequences for breaking the rules? Determine consequences beforehand, like loss of phone privileges or increased supervision. And clearly state the consequences as part of the contract.

Ask your teenager for a list of technology privileges he or she would like to earn. By following this contract for three months, let them know which of those they can achieve.

Make a list of technology privileges your child already enjoys. Be clear about what he or she will lose if these rules are not followed.

These rules have to be plain. Discuss them with your kids and write them down. As parents we need to be in control as we guide our kids from total supervision to more and more autonomy. That autonomy is the main privilege kids earn by following these rules, and autonomy is what most teenagers want!

By Dr. Deborah Gilboa is a Pittsburgh-area physician.

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Read it at Cleveland.com

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1. Listen first; suggest second.
   If teens confide in you, they may not want a response. On the other hand, if you are witnessing a damaging friendship, you need to help your teen recognize that. Just tread carefully because teenagers are likely to push back when they perceive their parents don’t like their friends. “Parents may sense that their child is getting the raw end of the deal in a relationship,” says Tori Cordiano, a psychologist in Shaker Heights, Ohio. “One successful way to start that conversation—and this works at any age —is to tell your child simply and directly that you want them to have friends that make them feel good about themselves.”
2. Broaden their perspective.
   Sometimes, teenagers who continue to flounder with finding friends may be knocking on the wrong door. “When a teenager sits alone for lunch or has no one to make plans with, they may only be looking at a select group of popular kids. What about the rest of the class? Parents can help them to expand their horizons. Someone else is out there,” suggests Suzanne Schneps, a clinical psychologist in Beachwood, Ohio. Also consider enrolling your teen in activities outside of school as a way to help broaden her potential circle of friends.
3. Step aside.
   Parents may want to ease the way for their children, but this is not necessarily helpful. “Navigating difficult social situations gives kids coping mechanisms. And that’s important. Not every boss is going to be a fabulous person. There can be cliques in the workplace. So, some of what we are teaching our kids is how to be true to themselves, while dealing with the complexities of different social groups,” adds Schneps.Shaker Heights Middle School counselor Kelly Anderson couldn’t agree more. “It’s tough as a parent to send your child to middle school. It’s natural to be protective, but it’s also important to step back,” she says. “When parents are too involved in helping to solve their kids’ social problems, the kids lose the opportunity to build resilience.”

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Sure it’s a clichéd version of the high school social order, but it’s enough to strike a chord of dread in the hearts of most parents. We want our teenagers to fit in, have friends . . . perhaps even be popular.

The good news? For the average teenager, art does not imitate life. In fact, research shows that after a few confusing years in middle school and early high school, our teenagers tend to figure this all out. They may not end up at the popular table, but they will sit with a handful of genuine friends, which is more important for their overall social well-being.

So, why do parents of teenagers continue to fret? Well, probably because the period in which adolescents learn to navigate their social world is, to say the least, taxing. But armed with an understanding of adolescent development, plus some strategies from experts, parents can do a lot to ease the way.

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]]> http://yourteenmag.com/2013/05/teens-popularity/feed/ 0 http://yourteenmag.com/2013/05/parenting-advice-from-a-childless-woman-2/ http://yourteenmag.com/2013/05/parenting-advice-from-a-childless-woman-2/#comments Sun, 19 May 2013 02:30:25 +0000 sborison http://yourteenmag.com/?p=19114 Parenting advice: childless woman vs. mother Continue reading →

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]]> Weren’t we all better parents before we had kids? Ageleke Zapis, author of A Childless Woman’s Guide to Raising Children, has no children of her own but freely dispenses some rough advice to parents of teenagers. Be warned, you may not appreciate her guidance. But you will likely value the response from freelance writer and mom of two, Julie Cristal. We look forward to your responses.

For the life of me, I can’t understand why parents use the mall (or as they are now sometimes referred to, “Life Style Centers”) as their default babysitter. When the weather warms up, and when schools let out for the summer, many parents believe that this is the time to drop their kids off, or let them hitch a ride with someone, and hit the pavement hard at the nearest LSC, I mean, the mall. Read More.

I was that lady. My kids were going to be different. I was going to parent using my full DNA arsenal of structure and organization, producing perfectly polite people. Read More.

 

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