Parents, Teens and Setting Rules
Because I Said So
by Susan Borison
Before I had kids, I was going to do everything better. I wasn’t exactly sure “better” than what, but I was confident that I would do better. My first commitment – I would never answer a questioning child with, “Because I said so.” That promise was a result of vivid childhood memories of a parent responding with that very phrase. The response felt dismissive and created a sense of powerlessness. Because of that ingrained memory, I made the vow and I kept it. Well, kind of.
When my children were younger, there were endless, “but whys?” I occasionally managed to offer a satisfying answer. When that did not work, I adopted deep, rhythmic breathing and willed myself to ignore the whining. For years I stood proud, somewhat smugly, with the knowledge that I had succeeded in keeping my promise.
Over time, I had developed some confidence in my parenting skills, until one day the rules instantaneously and dramatically changed. With the blink of an eye, my sense of mastery (or self-righteousness) disappeared, replaced by a parenting abyss called adolescence. Years ago, when I made the vow, I never anticipated the teenager who could say, “but why?” over and over and over again until my rising blood pressure was visible. I never anticipated that I myself might feel anxious or out of control and that I, in that moment, might simply need obedience. I humbly confess that, in the heat of the moment, “never” did turn to “sometimes” and I have uttered the words “because I said so.” I feel awful because I committed a breach, and even worse that it was ineffective.
Now I grapple with finding a new response that does work. At the core of the problem is the question, “Do I still get a vote?” While I still live with the belief that I get a vote, even a deciding vote, my teenager unequivocally knows that my “because I said so” is no longer relevant. Therein lies the harsh reality of a
home with an adolescent – the new game has two competitive teams, each determined to win.
I do not want my family divided into two teams with one ensuing winner. I want one team – my family – with me as the parent who still parents. I don’t feel done. Based on my parents’ model, I am under the impression that a mother’s job is never done. However, it seems that I must “morph” along with my changing teenager. The rules of parenting have changed and I must learn a new language if I am to have any impact on my teenager’s life. But how?
As long as you are living under my roof…
Did you make a vow not to say that one?
Susan Borison is the mother of three teens, one young adult and one pre-tween.
