In the Middle of the Sandwich Generation
The Sandwich Generation With A 2000’s Twist
by Valerie Newman
I should have had my kids when I was younger. Then they’d be out of college by now and I wouldn’t be stuck as the squished meat of the sandwich generation. Now, I find myself in the unenviable position of having to fill out applications for both college and assisted living facilities. I knew I was losing it when I suggested that my son include the fact that he could still shower independently on his college application while that same day I told my mom that she should apply early decision to the Farm Meadows retirement community.
When we started visiting campuses and assisted living facilities during the same weekends, everything became a mish-mash. The food choices were great at the state school, but not so good at Spring Water’s Senior Community. My parents have lots of friends at the Golf View Senior Park, but my son has no friends at his reach school. His safety school offers lots of great extracurriculars, but the assisted living community with immediate openings offers no social programs.
I’ve heard parents complain that the college search becomes a blur and I’ve spoken with friends who have found it emotionally challenging to search for the perfect place for their aging parents. But to try to tackle both transitions at once packs a powerful double punch. My parents needed help filling out all the forms and paper work, but so did our teenager! Both generations are dealing with major life transitions.
Where does that leave me? Smack in the middle—emotionally drained and physically exhausted. Hopeful for what the future holds for my son and fearful of what the future holds for my mom and dad. I’m trying to keep all the balls in the air, yet I’ve suddenly learned that I’m not very good at juggling. Unfortunately, there aren’t any classes in how to smoothly transition your kids to college while helping your parents move on to the next phase in their lives.
Now I’ve started taking yoga classes to help me relax.
How are other parents of teens dealing with these challenges?
Valerie:
You are singing my song….I have been an active member of the sandwich generation now for almost 11 years. I have 3 children, ages 19, 17, and 10, and my Mother got very sick shortly after my youngest was born. She went into a nursing home full time after stroking 3 times within 1 year in her home. After trying to take care of her at home with my Dad, we had to put her in the home permanently. Mom lived 6 years in that NH, and I was her care advocate, durable POA, and the only child that lived nearby to handle everything. 1 Year after Mom went in the NH, Dad got sick, had to have pacemaker surgery, and moved into an Assisted Living facility. I had to sell their home, switch all of my Dad’s finances and everything over to me as POA, and now he’s in a nursing home fighting Dementia. My mother passed away January 2009. All the while this has been going on, I’ve been working full-time and raising three very active boys. All 3 play year-round soccer and baseball, so between practices, games, and running back & forth to see my parents, I learned real fast that multi-tasking is the only way to get things accomplished. I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve felt many times like I can’t take one more day, one more hour, one more minute of doing all of this, but I have a strong faith, and loving, supportive siblings that live out of town and state but keep in touch with me constantly, and friends that are understanding and tolerant of the fact that my time just isn’t my own. Lastly, I am married to a very loving and supportive husband, and my children have grown up to know that the world doesn’t revolve around them. They have become very sensitive to eldercare issues and spent much time in the nursing home with me visiting their grandparents.
I think finding support groups in your area that deal with sandwich generation challenges and eldercare management is extremely helpful. I never found any support groups, and I think there is a real gap/need for them. As more and more parents are living longer and needing more care, the sandwich generation is only going to continue to grow. If you ever want to talk, let me know.
Thanks for reading and sorry for the long response.