Should Parents Stalk Their Teens?
Protecting or over-protecting your teen?
Here’s the scoop on my 16-year-old daughter and her first 18-year-old boyfriend.
Mary and Don had been seeing each other for five months. Don seemed nice enough, but he was not on a good path. He had failed 11th grade and his mother told my wife that he was out-of-control and she and her husband did not know what to do.
My wife and I told Mary that she could not spend time at Don’s house. If she wanted to see him they would have to come to our house when a parent was home, or go to a public place. Another strike against Don – he is a heavy smoker and has a smoker’s cough.
Friday afternoon of a holiday weekend, my wife spoke with Don’s mother who shared that she and her husband were going camping to get a break from Don. She revealed that they feel powerless and frustrated with Don and need a break. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that the mother was leaving her son home alone. If he were my son, he’d be right there with us as we pointed out the beautiful woodland sights. He’d be on a very short leash stuck to his parents like glue; not on his own in a big house on a holiday weekend!
Friday night arrives and Mary tells us that she is going bowling with her girlfriends. I suggest to my wife that we should check out the party. My wife asks, “What party?” I say, “The party at Don’s house!” My wife says, “You think that Don is having a party?” I say, “Of course he’s having a party. Do you know where he lives?”
We drive by Don’s house to see what was happening. At 5:00pm, in the daylight, we observed several boys hauling bags of “things” into Don’s house. You know, party prep items!
My wife and I went out to eat. After several unsuccessful attempts to contact my daughter on her cell phone, we went home to pick up my night vision device (I am an army guy). We went back to Dave’s house and parked down the street and I went into stealth mode.
I walked up to the front of the house and saw several boys drinking in the living room and then I went around the back where it was pitch black (for everyone but me!). I moved very slowly and watched my daughter, Don and some other kids drinking beer and smoking. I went back to the car and removed the Night vision device. Then I walked into the house and confronted my daughter, “Mary, you are not allowed to be here. Get your stuff. You’re coming with me.” She got up and Don said, “I’m sorry.” I replied, “Yes, you will be, Don!”
The real battle came when my daughter got home and we started discussing this event. Mary kept saying that she loved Don. I told her that she and Don knew the ground rules. I told her that Don must not respect her because she and everyone else at the party could have been arrested for under age drinking. An arrest could have placed her college career in jeopardy. Then I lost it and told her that Dave was a loser and that I would not let her hang around with losers!
This was a very difficult period for my daughter and me. I told her that she could not see Don anymore and she hated me for about six months. I accepted the anger as the price of being a parent who loves his daughter and trying to somewhat try and steer her toward better decisions.
My military experiences allowed me to be stealthy, and follow a principle of “Trust but verify”.
Reading this brings back the anxiety I felt when my son was in high school! He thought I was overprotective-I was just trying to be his parent. I suppose there is a very fine line……..
If these parents had built the foundations of a good relationship with their daughter throughout her childhood, had engaged in honest communication, instilled self-confidence, and were respectful and supportive, etc. then unless the daughter had previously shown herself to be irresponsible, I think prowling at her boyfriend’s house with night vision goggles was over the top as was the argument that followed. On the other hand, involvement in a relationship with this boy does seem to indicate poor judgment on the daughter’s part, but that should be handled through rational discussion. The daughter and her boyfriend are young, the chances that this relationship is going to last is remote. The parents need to gain some perspective. They might also want to consider that their daughter has low self-esteem issues and needs help in feeling good about herself and guidance in good decision making so that they can be more trusting.
If a parent has such strong feelings that they cannot trust there daughter to follow the ground rules, they may want to have a goal of building trust rather than sneaking up on her every time they suspect her.
It’s tricky to balance this situation. Growing up I had no curfew and very few restrictions. I did not rebel against my mom because I did not have much to rebel against. The more restrictions that are placed on a teen may make the teen want to break the rules even more. It will not stop the teen from doing what she wants. It will just make her sneakier in breaking the rules.
To tell your child that she is not allowed to see someone, will make her want to see him even more. Obviously she needs to have consequences because she lied to her parents. But to think that your daughter who confessed to being in love will stop seeing her boyfriend is putting your head in the sand. I’d rather know how often they are seeing each other than not knowing at all.
you need to let your chilren make their own decisions at some point. In the future you are not always going to be there to protect them. They need to be able to establish their own relationships without their parents controlling them. Over protecting your child will only make them hate you.