Teens and Tattoos
Getting a tattoo without your permission?
My sixteen year-old step-daughter had been asking her father and me if she could get a tattoo for a while. We tried to explain to her that this was a permanent decision, abd that it would be better to wait until she was at least 18 to consider this. I reminded her that things go in and out of fashion. Would she be wearing that Ed Hardy hoodie ten years from now? Fifty years from now? What about those Pink sweatpants and Uggs? At least you can change the clothes. A tattoo is a fashion statement for life. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against tattoos. My friends have them. They often represent great meaning or artistic expression to someone. My husband even has one. (Although his tattoo a good example of one he got at 18 and now regrets.)
When all of this “reasoning” with her failed and she still kept asking, we plain out said “No.” It wasn’t happening under our roof. We sure weren’t giving her the money, the car ride, or the adult permission necessary at the parlor. So she found someone else who would. Her mother.
They both knew that it was against our wishes, but both ignored that. They went on a weekend they were spending together. Her mother has several tattoos, so I think this was something she thought they could bond over. (They’ve had a rocky relationship over the years.)
When my step-daughter returned home and showed it to us, naturally we were furious—furious at her for doing this against our rules, and furious with her mother for making it happen.
Did my step-daughter do this as teenage rebellion? Or did she do it to reconnect with her mom? Was the peer pressure teens often experience actually coming from her mom? Was her mom acting as a peer to reconnect with her?
What would you do?
My 15 year old daughter just came home with a back tattoo. I saw it as she bent over to pick something up the other day. I have no clue how to punish her for it. I told her when she turns 18 she could get one. Now I found out that she used her friends sisters i.d. and went behind my back to get it. It isn’t like I can make her take it back or get it removed. What is the proper punishment for this?
Confused parent in R.H.
My dad has a tattoo, but he says I can’t get one until I’m 18. But he was 16 when he got his. Isn’t this hypocritical? How can I trust him when he’s a hypocrite?
Stressed – Your dad might not be the hypocrite that you think he is. He may be just a guy who has your best interest at heart AND someone who is speaking from experience. Before you run off and get that ink, go sit where a lot of eldery gather – observe that tatoos they have and ask yourself “how will my tatoo look when I’m older?”. I would suggest that waiting until your 18 would give you more insight of who you are and where your life is headed THEN if you still want one you won’t need anyones permission. I have three sons and they all have tatoos, but each time they get a new one there is a deeper meaning behind them, usually at the root is their military service or their religous beliefs.
best of luck!
She is going to have to live with this decision for a long time and she has lost your trust. Over time, both of these realities might be sufficient punishment.
Reality check to the 16 year old step daughter and her Mom, they should both Google “tattoo removal!”
B.T. – What is involved with tattoo removal? Will that really keep her from doing it?
There are different methods one might use in attempting tattoo removal, including topical solutions, Laser treatments, or surgical removal. Check out the Skin Health Association website to read what the experts say.
I have no idea if the 16 y.o. in the story above would even flinch while viewing any of the YouTube videos with graphic footage of tattoo removals. By checking these sites out first, she and her Mom might think twice and look for another way to bond.
It is not about the tattoo. It is not about bonding with real mom. What real mom and daughter did was purposefully defy the rules put in place by the two people who are providing the child with food, shelter, clothes, schooling, money and especially consistent support and love. It was a power play. They think they won. Stepmom and Dad need first to communicate openly about the incident with daughter, share their feelings of betrayal and hurt. Then they need to impose significant consequences that actually make an impact on stepdaughter if they ever want to reestablish a healthy parent child relationship built on both love and respect.
JH, I must respectfully disagree. What you have laid out is plan for a control battle royale. You could be very right about the power play, but consider this: here is a sixteen year old, and she has that magic number – 18 – in her sights. Since she is allowed to spend time, including overnights with her mother, the custodial couple may have to pick battles carefully, and a battle over this fait-accompli may accomplish very little. What you describe may be appropriate for a 14 year old, but with a child who has one foot out the door it may backfire.
I speak from experience here, having had a teenage daughter whose father sought to undermine me at every turn. At sixteen, she and I were locking horns, and I was heartbroken when she decided to move to her dad’s, from the house with rules to the house without rules, a mile and a half and a world away, but after a short struggle, I accepted the move, and grieved the estrangement. Day after day I muttered to myself “this is temporary, this is temporary.” The next two years were hard, but at age 18 she moved out to be on her own and is now a young woman in her 20s who talks to me nearly every day and even asks my advice now and then. Letting go was so, so hard, but I believe it was the move that made room for our good adult relationship to blossom.
My 14 year old wants a tattoo. She keeps begging me for one for her 15th birthday. Since I am a breast cancer survivor, she pulls at my heart strings and says she just want a tiny breast cancer ribbon. What to do?
I don’t think your daughter getting a tattoo without your permission was in defiance or anything like that. I think she got it simply because she wanted it. I happen to be 16 right now and I got a tattoo almost a month before my birthday. My mother had already made it clear that body modification are for when we( my siblings and I) turn 18, but I couldn’t wait that long. I didn’t get it just do defy her rules, or be a bad ass or anything like that, I got it simply because I wanted it. At the time I was going through a lot with my grandma and grandpa dying within a year of eachother and I just had to do something crazy but seemingly harmless to release my stress,which I did. My tattoo is symbolic of how my views of life have changed due to their deaths, its not just a random something like a lolipop or Mario party stars or anything like that, and something that I never will regret. I have had my tattoo for almost a year now and my mother still doesn’t know about it because I put it in a easy to hide place, not just to make sure my mother never sees it, but because I plan on having a great job in the psychological field one day. I’m sure you only have your step- daughters best intreat at heart but giving her space to make her own mistakes is key right now in her life. If she let’s you make every big decision for her now then how is she ever going to make it when she moves out( you want her to eventually move out right)? I believe by this time she already knows the differences between right wrong, there isn’t much teaching you can do now, why not focus on something better like how to do taxes and manage a checking account instead of worry about what goes on her body? These are the things I know I need now. The thing with teens is, they are going to do what they want to do most ofthe time wether you know about it or not, so relax because there wasn’t much you could do to stop her in the first place. Sorry this is sooooo long and sorry again if I seem a bit attitude-y or rude in any point, I was just speaking the truth.
Angel-
You should let her get it. It’s for you and it is something that she will never regret. Just make sure it is in a hide-able location.